Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
