nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
