this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
