I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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