I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
