You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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