its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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