Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
