Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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