Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
