Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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