Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
