I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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