I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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