I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
