My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
