I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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