I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
