my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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