Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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