Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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