Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
