my mouth tastes like poor choices
im holly from the hills drunk
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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