Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
