thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
