your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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