new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
