last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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