DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
