This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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