You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
