What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
