i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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