have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
