My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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