I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
