the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
