Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
These tits shall not be calmed
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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