Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
