the condom got lost in my hair
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
