Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
