So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
