his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
