I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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