I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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