I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
