porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
