Im at strip club and am horny
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
