god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
