so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
