Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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