Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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