i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
